Hi, my name is Terri. I have lived as female practically all my life. I am now 23, the reason I say all my life is because; even though I had a boy name from 15 on I still acted as female, and didn’t really comprehend the diffrence between myself and my girlfriends until about 17. Up until then we had sleep overs talked about boys, shared make up, everything a normal girl would do.
I was able to do this because of circumstances I was forced to move in with a boyfriend and his family at the age of 15. She was extremely open minded and never treated me any different from any of the other girls. At 15 just like normal people you maybe experimenting with sex. You don’t know what it is, you really don’t comprehend. Plus even though the outside public saw me as gay, and called me names.
That was expected. Still my inner circle of friends and parents didn’t view me any diffrently from there own daughters who at this point I have been friends with for years. It took me until I was 17 before I realized after being heart broken, and going to my first gay club. That wasn’t who I was. These were still men. I wasn’t and after seeing that I knew it. At that point I changed my name from Steven to Terri, and at 17 begin to grow up as the girl I knew I had always been. Now at 23 I have been on herbal hormones for at least a solid year now. Before this I tried and took anything I could get my hands on, starting with birth control pills that I shared with my sister (not blood relation). We shared her pescription. She would go to one pharmacy and get her supply for the month. I would go to another and get mine with the same prescription.
Because of financial reasons and the shifting around I switched to some herbal supplement I had found in a magazine. Now I’m on an herbal regimen that has finally been solid. I have always been small so even back at 17 I passed as female natrually. Things like how to act never had to be developed, simply because I have been female the entire time. I just had to grow up.
Through this transition, being a part of the dating scene, trying to live a normal girls life, has put me through alot. I am also Wiccan, which is what has helped me to survive. It taught me a positive image of myself, by understanding our dieties together were part of the samething, and through the study of tribal history people like me where viewed apon as a gift from the gods. I have held some self esteem, through dating just recently my last couple of boyfriends. We’re comfortable enough to teach me how to appreciate my body.
Sex I now know can be fun if my partner realizes that I wish to be made love to as a woman, but at the same time. Touch me make me feel that you are comfortable and okay with everything. My point to telling you this is this: Even after all I’ve learned in my soul I still feel as if I’m missing something. I have learned to be proud of my body. I am in fit shape. I have breasts that have a very shapely appearence. I live as female in everyday life.
One problem is that within me something is still missing. Its still empty. It still hurts. The doors are still slammed in my face when it comes to certain things. I maybe able to go out and get any guys attention in the place, but past his appreciation of me with my clothes on. I can’t allow it to go anywhere because I know how it’s likely to end.
Past this there is also the constant reminder that there are alot of things that you know you should be able to do. Just like the girls you grew up with that are still your friends, but now who are married with children. You can’t do these things. You can’t give the man you love those gifts, and you can’t shake the pain. You can’t shake how much that feeling of not being whole begins to burn. Society looks for a medical reason of why we are the way we are to help us feel better, to help us become possibly a little more accepted by the world.
I’m here to tell you that the bottom line of being transsexual, or whatever label you want to place on it, is that your gender is in your soul. It is at the very essence of who you are. Regardless of what road you take to get there. Surgery is probably something that you’re going to want. Even if you do have self esteem, and you are comfortable enough to date and perform for the person that you’re with, as best you can like any other woman, that feeling is still there. I understand my gifts as being a transgendered female. I appreciate them, but it hurts so much that there is so much space between me and everyone else. No one understands it but us. Society excludes you even if they don’t know you’re a different kind of woman. You are excluded by trying to live and be happy.
Love each other!